Mother tongue: Silent Night

My neighbour looks at me with wide eyes. The prosecco glass only makes if half way to her mouth, she freezes for a moment. "Your little one is still sleeping with you?", she asks after gaining her composure and puts down the glass. Lets get down to business. It's time for some serious talk with this hippie mom. Or so she thinks. In a whiny mood, I had forgotten the most important of all small talk rules at this dinner with friends of friends: Don't talk about politics, religion - and your child's sleeping habits. Too late. For the next half hour I listen to a monologue about independence and men who miss out, about pampering and discipline. No wonder the Prosecco isn't far away when mothers come together. In my opinion at least. Meanwhile, my counterpart announces in a grand manner that her little one already moved into her own room at the age of three months and after a few teary-eyed nights (first from the child, then from mom) peace and quiet prevailed. And that until eight in the morning. My glass has emptied in the meantime. At this moment I am very satisfied with our sleeping habits. My kid sleeps in his own bed in the master bedroom. And during the night she slips into our bed.  I've had these conversations countless times. I then go on about how the human is a herd animal, about societies where people sleep in hammocks together for years and about the happiness I feel when my daughter cuddles up to me at night. Sometimes she mumbles a "Mamaaa" in half sleep and that sounds so satisfied that it is difficult for me to fall asleep again from being all warm and fuzzy around the heart. There are nights like this. But there are others as well. Fighting for the blanket, little feet suddenly on my face or one of us being in a chatty mood. All this around 4 am and its very rare that I'm the one in the mood for a chat. And yet I appreciate these beautiful moments so much that I wouldn't want to change a single thing about this constellation. Because it suits me and my family better than any trainings. And because I am quite sure that I will spend many, many more nights in bed without this cuddly child. Maybe I'll miss that time. Or maybe I'm glad to have my bed back. But there's one thing I don't have to blame myself for: Not having enjoyed our nightly closeness. 

For all those worried about the topic sleep, an appointment with Susanna Fischer from the family practice Stadelhofen in Zurich is warmly recommended. Since I completed a PEKiP course with her and my daugher, I have been a fan of this competent woman who advises pragmatically and intelligently on crying babies, education and sleep. What I find interesting about her approach is that the topics go much further than purely the issues of separation and self-regulation. One of the most important lessons I learned from her is that as a mother I must be sure of my attitude. Then everything will be alright. At least that's how I memorised it. These are all complex areas, in which this short interview offers only a small insight.

Can every child learn to sleep through the night?

Yes, any child can do that. It should always be sufficiently fed. Babies with a thriving problem usually have to learn to eat more food during the day. The child should fall asleep independently, you should refrain from giving any sleeping aid, which will no longer be available at night and will be demanded for through crying. Self-regulation during the day is also important. The child should always be in a calm and relaxed, parasympathetic state. About 80% of all sleep disorders are due to regulatory disorders. A sign of too much daytime sleep is often when children are active at night and want to play.

What to do if the child comes into the parent's bed every night, but I don't want that?

There can be many reasons: Mostly it has to do with too little undivided attention and closeness during the day, which the children then demand at night. But also with jealousy when the sibling is born, or the issues revolves around fears that the child processes at night during its dream-sleep. This is a question that must always be looked at very individually in order to do justice to the child and the parents.

What do you think of the family bed concept?

The family bed is the individual and therefore the right decision for every family. However, if only one member of the family feels uneasy about it or is unable to sleep well, it no longer makes sense.

The child delays falling asleep forever, 
with drinking, singing, story telling - what to do?

The family should use the twenty minutes after dinner as time together. This means giving the child a lot of commitment, closeness, attention and care before falling asleep. Simply by listening, body contact, or making a puzzle, lighting a candle, listening to music, painting. The child should become calm and get the closeness so that it does not have to demand for it afterwards. As a mother or father I can then say with a clear, inner attitude and certainty: "Now you can go to sleep, you've had everything you need."

 

Beautiful things for slumber hour

Cute Sleeping Shirt for Babies

Creates your own quiet corner, not only in the parent's bedroom or when siblings share the room

Gives even sleepy mothers something sophisticated

He swims into bed with me...

Well covered is half the rent